Friday, December 14, 2007

A Little Foolishness



(The following appeared on a website promoting a novel I wrote a few years ago. At the time, I was determined not to put up the same old bio.)



Hammett was born in New Orleans, Louisiana. His father was an aristocratic anarchist; his mother was a pearl diver for the Ceylon Import and Export Company. He contracted yellow fever when he was four, and after a long period of recuperation, he was arrested many times for shoplifting garden supplies from Woolworth’s. Accordingly, he was placed in Miss Clara Pottinger’s School for Suspect Children. His teen years were uneventful, discounting numerous accusations by debutantes and their fathers. Nothing was ever proven in a court of law, this being long before reliable DNA testing.



When only nineteen, Hammett was kidnapped and brought to Ireland, where he was forced to hand out political leaflets advocating celibacy for local politicians whose progeny was consistently disappointing the local electorate. He escaped to Dublin, where he eventually married Molly Dwyer O'Grady, who later starred in Irish Spring soap commercials in America.



The marriage was ill-fated, and Hammett worked his way back to the States on a merchant marine vessel after his divorce from O’Grady, who had insisted that her husband join The Sons of Irish Liberty Pleasure Club. Back in Louisiana, he purchased his law degree from Tulane University. Failing the bar exam three times running, he played the banjo at night in local jazz clubs in the French Quarter. By day, he was a writer, publishing the now-famous juvenile series The Muffin Twins, mysteries starring Judy and Julie Muffin, Siamese twins who could really put their heads together to solve high crimes and misdemeanors.

Hammett married the beautiful and exotic Baroness Maria del Mariposa and moved to a posh Garden District mansion haunted by the Rotomandino family—seven brothers who died in a tragic trapeze accident. He began writing adult fiction, and has received such honors as The Best New Writer to Emerge in Years Award and The Azalea Society’s Annual Award for Lengthy Prose. His wife died in 1996 in an accident involving a barbecue pit and the family’s beloved terrier, Noodles. He now writes as food critic for Wine and Trout Weekly, Amazing Hushpuppies, and Crabs. He is also author of several volumes of poetry, which have been labeled by one critic as “undeniable verse.”


Copyright, 2001, William Hammett

14 comments:

Wayne said...

Sorry Billy. I had to laugh my lid loose. I'm going to see if I can find it . . .

Billy said...

Wayne, glad you enjoyed this goofy little post. Humor is my antidepressant of choice. My dad once told me not to get out of bed in the morning if I wasn't going to act foolish at least once a day.

Julie said...

LOL - this sounds like Tim Hallinan's (Blog Cabin) spoof plot machine which he had people going with some posts ago, only much funnier....the barbecue and noodles creased me up.

Shameless said...

Excellent. Now that is a REAL bio, one that makes one stand out in the crowd ... for better or worse! :-)

Wayne said...

I think I'll pass that on to my son, Billy.

Oh, damn. Not necessary. He does a few foolish things each day.

Billy said...

Julie, I don't know that anyone ever believed it, but it sure was fun. People take things too seriously.

Seamus, I did have one critic who did everything but call me an ass. LOL

Wayne, my young adult son, now in college, is apparently majoring in "stupid things." I don't think they become human again until about 25.

writtenwyrdd said...

Ye gods, that first paragraph was Lemony Snickett all the way. You should write about this fictional Wild Bill and you'd have a real romp of a tale!

Billy said...

Glad you enjoyed it, Written. My son says I need a stay in a mental institution. :)

Shesawriter said...

I just spewed a beverage all over my keyboard. Oy.....

Bernita said...

You already have one, I see.
However, you have been awarded another Roar for Powerful Words by me.

Scott from Oregon said...

Well, apparently, you fit right in...

Billy said...

Clean up that keyboard, shesa! Glad you enjoyed my craziness.

Bernita, I am honored. Thank you so very much! Your feedback always means a lot!!!

Scott, you're correct. I'm not a well person :)

Sarah Hina said...

Ms. Sarah Snickerdoodle raves,

"Undeniably of a humorous bent."

*sniff*


(seriously, this was great! I loved every sentence, but especially the idea of a magazine called, "Amazing Hushpuppies!" Too funny, Billy.)

:)

Billy said...

Thank you, Ms. Snickerdoodle! Glad you enjoyed. I made up the Amazing Hushpuppies, but here in Looziana, it "ain't" that far from the truth :)